The archive is catalogued by 'Politics', 'Economics', 'Mockery', 'In other news' and 'On other things' 


"Who controls the food supply controls the people; who controls the energy can control whole continents; who controls money can control the world" - Henry Kissinger

and yet...

"Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences" – Robert Louis Stevenson

A special Breferendum message - from the big guy in Brussels

We interrupt this blog to bring you an urgent message from an unfeasibly important person:

Esteemed citizens of the UK:

We have finally come to the moment of truth, or as Martin Wolf and I prefer to call it - a totally unnecessary event. We had hoped to spare you all this tiresome democracy.

You have my deepest sympathy. Over this final 24 hours you will be showered with the closing arguments of newspapers, media outlets and pundits of both persuasions - all of which may be mind numbingly repetitive for anyone who has not been in a coma for the past two months. Alas we politicians do repeat ourselves dreadfully, and few of us ever change our minds on anything - as anyone who has ever met Nigel Lawson will attest.

But I’m going to change all that, right here, right now, by telling you what I really think. I have had to wait two agonising months for this…oh how I have longed for this moment…

Many of you will know that I have built a career on telling the truth about my previous lies.  You will recall that I am the one who said:

"When it becomes serious, you have to lie".

I got myself into lots of trouble for my honesty on that occasion. But I would not be deterred. On another occasion I was ruthlessly chided for revealing how we pursue the EU dream:

"We decide on something, leave it lying around and wait and see what happens. If no one kicks up a fuss, because most people don't understand what has been decided, we continue step by step until there is no turning back”

I got into lots of smelly for that one too, but I will not be deterred from the truth, so here it is:

First the economics: The Eurozone is screwed. The banking system is an under-capitalized disaster waiting to happen; the non-performing loans are almost as lofty as Mario Draghi’s ego, and the margin for error is as tight as Wolfgang Schäuble’s wallet. The euro will never work without the holy grail of federalization, but of course nobody is willing to let us do that. Alas, it’s now too late…sadly the euro is queuing up for the graveyard whether you vote to remain in the EU or not.

Onto the politics: This is the most important part. It’s not the fact that the Eurozone is screwed that is important - it’s who gets the blame that is really crucial. I’m sorry, but it can’t be me. It’s bad enough watching your life’s great work sliding down the pan – but being blamed for it as well is just too much. I can’t go down in history as the second great sage this millennium to bring a continent to its knees. Look at Alan Greenspan’s face these days - do you want me to end up looking like that? No, of course you don’t - the British are stubborn, but none of you are that cruel…except perhaps Nigel Farage.

So now we’re agreed on the need to protect my face, please listen carefully: If the Eurozone goes down because of Greece, it’ll be Wolfgang's fault. If it goes down because of the banks, it’ll be Mario's fault. If it goes down because we bungle the immigration, it’ll be Angela's fault. But if it goes down because of Brexit…it’ll be my fault…and that, dear voters, cannot be allowed to happen….

So, how can you help? Simple - I want you to use this referendum as an opportunity to rise above the blatant stereotyping portrayed in the media on both sides of the debate. Get out there and show the world ‘who you really are’. In practical terms this means the following:

Remainers - I want you to get up bright & early on Thursday, get down to the polls and vote. You’ll be demonstrating your righteousness, your moral ascendancy and your intellectual superiority. Remember, whatever happens you’ll wake up on Friday morning knowing you did the right thing.

Leavers – I want you to get 12 cans of lager lined up in the fridge, put your feet up and channel flick between Sky Sports and Jeremy Kyle. At 8pm, those of you who still retain the will to live should go to the polls and spoil your paper. That shouldn’t be too difficult after 12 cans.  Remember, whatever happens you’ll wake up on Friday afternoon too hung over to care.

Finally, remember this – whichever way you vote on Thursday, there is more than one way to skin a cat. I didn’t get where I am today by learning to cope with rejection – ask David Cameron.

But I will not end with threats…I prefer to leave that sort of thing to George Osborne. Instead, let us part as friends…until we meet again on the other side:

Lots of love

President Jean-Claude Juncker, AKA 'Little Big Man'…but you can call me Johnny

P.S. In the interests of full disclosure, you should know that I have ALL the bases covered: If you vote to leave - when the Eurozone collapses, I will blame it on Brexit.  If you vote to remain, I will blame it on the de-stabilization caused by the threat of Brexit.  Either way, I will be vindicated and Martin Wolf will finally get his knighthood. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

P.P.S. You’ve brought this on yourselves – if you hadn’t insisted on this referendum we could’ve all carried on blaming the Germans.


The reach of the lobbyists' dollar