In response to an FT article by Demitri Sevastopulo and Geoff Dyer on 2nd March 2016, entitled 'US foreign policy experts round on Trump'
Migratory birds are planning to boycott US airspace if Trump gets the nomination, causing consternation amongst Canadian ornithologists who are worried about contagion.
Plans to exhume the founding fathers so they can speak out against Trump are well underway, as is a plan to expose Trump's secret seances with a group of far right psychics, who are channelling the ghost of Mussolini. 'Little Benny', as he is affectionately known by narcissists everywhere, is reportedly Trump's main speechwriter.
A spokesman for Santa Claus said he was unsure if Christmas would be cancelled if Trump is elected - the reindeer are willing to land in the US but the elves are refusing to submit to background checks. The GOP is said to be in negotiations with the reindeer.
The aforementioned announcement of a number of foreign policy experts who formerly worked for President Bush, is said to be a back-up plan in case the Santa Strategy doesn't work out. A spokesman for the GOP told us: "although the neocons don't carry the same degree of credibility as Santa Claus, we feel it is important to give them another opportunity to do the right thing for America in her hour of need"