Lovers of black comedy will be ecstatic to learn that Jimmy the Diamond has released his latest satire on the US economy. Every year Jimmy takes time out from running the most successful racket in Manhattan to bestow his wisdom upon staff, shareholders and anyone else who likes a good laugh at the expense of the plebs who bailed out his street just nine years ago...
Has it really been almost nine years? Doesn’t time fly when you’re fishing for whales…no sooner have you creamed off a pile of cash, bribed a few Congressmen, paid the odd billion dollar fine and leaned on a few regulators…than it’s back to bonus time again and the usual questions about why you are CEO and Chairman...boring…
This year there was almost no time to commiserate with Hills or send Trumpet a note querying the number of vampire squids in his new cabinet…oh Hills you were such a disappointment…such a waste of Benjamins…
But back to the script…the usual monologue, but this year with a new twist of ‘realism’ from Mr Poz. The moral of the tale is reflected in the observation that: “Something is wrong — and it’s holding us back” (that’s ‘America’ not JPM – don’t be stupid)
Here are a couple of pearls that show how tuned in 'our Jimmy' is to the trials and tribulations of the great unwashed:
- “Over the last 16 years, we have spent trillions of dollars on wars when we could have been investing that money productively. (I’m not saying that money didn’t need to be spent; but every dollar spent on battle is a dollar that can’t be used to line my pocket”) – (Ed: I’m sorry readers that end bit was actually ‘put to use elsewhere’)
- “Felony convictions for even minor offenses have led, in part, to 20 million American citizens having a criminal record – and this means they often have a hard time getting a job. (There are six times more felons in the United States than in Canada)” – (Ed: He’s got a point there – there are twice as many felons on Wall Street than in Canada and none of them have a criminal record or a problem getting a job – Jimmy’s right - something should be done about this).
But the multi-faceted one doesn’t just leave us with a list of ills – he provides reassurances:
- "Essentially, Too Big to Fail has been solved — taxpayers will not pay if a bank fails…The American public has the right to demand that if a major bank fails, they, as taxpayers, would not have to pay for it, and the failure wouldn’t unduly harm the U.S. economy. In my view, these demands have now both been met"
Those of you who have heard that the Pony Express people have still not got their house in order…or that there are a string of ‘foreign banks’ who are as sound as a deaf dog…or that banks have a tendency to be prone to counter-party risk…should be ashamed of yourselves…all that is ‘fake news’…pull yourselves together.
But no matter, here is the final flourish:
- “Our problems are significant, and they are not the singular purview of either political party. (Ed: Which is why we ‘donate’ to both…just kidding). We need coherent, consistent, comprehensive and coordinated policies that help fix these problems. The solutions are not binary – they are not either/or, and they are not about Democrats or Republicans. They are about facts, analysis, ideas and best practices (including what we can learn from others around the world)”
So true…but nothing that couldn’t be helped along by the return of ‘consequences’ to the land of moral hazard…perchance one day Jimmy will make the ultimate sacrifice and don an orange boiler suit for America…you can do it Jimmy…your country needs you.