The archive is catalogued by 'Politics', 'Economics', 'Mockery', 'In other news' and 'On other things' 


"Who controls the food supply controls the people; who controls the energy can control whole continents; who controls money can control the world" - Henry Kissinger

and yet...

"Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences" – Robert Louis Stevenson

An Alien’s Guide to Human Folly: Part 2 - Neo-Conservatives

One of a series of short reports for Orson, an emissary from the planet Orkan – here to find out if we’re safe to be around

Dear Orson

The first thing you should know about neo-conservatives, is that there is nothing ‘new’ or ‘conservative’ about them. Psychopaths have been around for thousands of years, and they have never focused on conserving their own way of life – they are always more interested in destroying someone else’s.

They have no particular skills other than shooting big guns at people with small guns. Having said that, they never fully defeat the people with small guns; so in a fit of pique they wreck the joint, declare victory and then move on to the country next door; leaving the local thugs to sort things out. The thugs then prove to be worse than the people they replaced...rinse, repeat.

When I said that neocons are good at shooting big guns, it’s important to qualify that statement: the neocons themselves don’t actually shoot at anything except innocent animals and occasionally pictures of Vladimir Putin.  Instead they recruit the children of poor people, mainly black ones, to do the shooting for them. Fifty years ago, a very proud & brave black man, who also happened to be the best guy in the world in a ‘fist fight’, refused to do this on their behalf, stating:

‘Why should I go half way round the world to kill some other brown person who never called me nigger?’

As a reward for such blatant integrity he was stripped of his title and sentenced to 5 years in a Federal prison. He never actually went to prison because he spent every penny he’d earned going through the US court system pointing out that his so called ‘crime’ was total shazbot, although naturally he used a different word. His name was Muhammad Ali, but the government and the media preferred to call him Cassius Clay. The name ‘Clay’ had been given to his grandsires by the white guy that ‘owned’ them a few generations earlier.

Eventually his conviction was overturned after thousands of students came round to his point of view & started burning American flags and making life very uncomfortable (even for psychopaths) every time a new shipment of ‘body bags’ arrived back at Andrews Airbase.  It is important to note that students in the sixties were considerably more formidable than today’s generation, mainly because they were protesting against carpet-bombing and a deadly chemical weapon known as napalm - rather than against the incorrect use of pronouns. Plus, their thing was ‘free speech’ rather than ‘correct speech’ but that’s a topic for another day.

Neocons are quite hard to spot, since they are usually considered too ugly to appear on TV. The ugliness is not physical however - many of them would be quite attractive were it not for the deleterious effects of decades spent harbouring thoughts of hatred and world domination. Recent prominent examples include former Vice-President Dick Cheney, who could burn a hole in the carpet with his spittle.  He is rumoured to have done just that to the Eagle rug in the Oval Office whenever President Bush struggled to understand instructions, which was most of the time. Poor George had all the marbles but no jar to keep them in.

But I digress…it’s far easier to identify neocons by listening to what comes out of their mouths. Phrases like ‘indispensible nation’ and ‘manifest destiny’ are quite common but the easiest way to identify them is that they will rarely complete a sentence without mentioning Vladimir Putin.  

On the philosophical level they tend to have a very limited grasp of history, which they consider to be linear.  For a while after the collapse of communism, the neocons were convinced that they were the final victors at ‘The End of History’. One deluded soul even wrote a book of that title.  Alas, what they had failed to notice is that the universe is cyclical, and despite our delusions of grandeur, humans are subject to natural forces. Nature is gloriously complex, rich in fractal splendour…and cyclical. So I suppose the last thing I should tell you about the neocons is this:

They are not very bright

Hopefully that’s enough to help you spot them before they get close enough to plant incriminating ‘evidence’ or a microphone.  Whatever you do, don’t give them any information on the beam technology however much they plead ‘humanitarian motives’ - just tell them it’s too dangerous for people without an EQ – they won’t know what that means. Rest assured that they would not use the beam technology to transfer food and medical supplies around the planet – most likely they’d use it to deliver a bomb to Vladimir Putin’s underpants.

Nanu Nanu


An Alien’s Guide to Human Folly: Part 3 - Journalists

2017: An Alien’s Guide to Human Folly: Part 1 - Economists