As we reach the end of the most tedious election campaign in British history, contested by political leaders who bring new meaning to the phrase ‘vacuum packed’, I bring you a highly exclusive and totally fake interview, that I didn’t conduct with the Prime Minister last night:
MarkGB: Prime Minister, you started this campaign 20 points ahead in the opinion polls and despite the fact that you are running against Leon Trotsky’s love child and a chap nobody would recognise even if he were the only man wearing an orange rosette in a crowd of three people…you have done your best to turn a rout into a competition. How did you do that?
Theresa May: Let me be clear, in terms of the real issue, if I’m honest, the fact is that the British people want, and a have a right to expect, strong and stable leadership, which, in its strength and stability, rests upon and gives credence to, those common and firmly held democratic values - values, which, believe me when I say that I understand how normal everyday people feel, I really do; and in terms of what they need from their government, I feel very strongly that a strong and stable government, with strong and stable leadership, is what the British people have every right to expect and demand of their strong and stable government.
MarkGB: Thank you for that clarity Prime Minister. One more question if I may, sorry about the pun…what do you say to critics who suggest that you had over five years at the Home Office to get a grip on how we identify and track terror suspects and yet failed to do so; that you appear to believe that British Foreign policy has absolutely nothing to do with terrorism on the streets of Britain; that blaming the Internet for the growth of terrorism is akin to Charles II cracking down on highway robbery by banning the use of horses?
Theresa May: I’d say that I understand what you’re saying, but in all honesty the real issue is that the British people have a right to demand strong and stable leadership on these issues, and to be fair, likening our policies to what occurred during the Restoration will not provide people with protection from these shocking online images, or stop young and impressionable minds from being swayed by this vile propaganda. The honest truth is that people have had enough; I’ve had enough, and believe me when I say that the position of the British Government, a strong and stable government, with strong and stable leadership, is: enough is enough.
MarkGB: Thank you Prime Minister
To help you make up your mind before you head off to the polls, or as a bit of light relief for those of you who are watching this thrilling race from overseas, here is a summary of the economic policies on offer:
The Scottish National Party – Free stuff for Scotland, paid for by Brussels instead of London
The Liberal Democrats – Free stuff for young people, old people and nice people, funded by an extra penny in the pound on income tax for each nice thing we do
The Labour Party – Free stuff for everybody who hasn’t got enough free stuff already, funded by taking stuff away from greedy rich people, who’ve already got far too much free stuff that they stole from people still desperately in need of free stuff
The Conservative Party – No free stuff for anybody, except old people and people who kick up a fuss when we take away their free stuff
Finally: To folks who share a belief in freedom, individual property rights and a rule of law sourced by, and equally applied to, all the people…liberal democracy…sorry, we don’t do that here any more – we have a collection of parties that believe in competing for free stuff rather than competing in free markets; who believe that ‘elites’ know best; who think, when they think at all, that the role of government is to control rather than serve.
I wish you all a happy election day. May your pencil find its mark as your conscience dictates. Personally, I will be ‘improving my ballot paper’, having an election night curry, and watching events unfold on TV. Sad, and yet strangely not.