Here are the election highlights:
In a tribute to the importance of history, all disappointed candidates are busy re-writing it. It turns out nobody lost and everybody did better in one very important respect...one that makes everyone else wonder what galaxy they've arrived from. The only thing everyone agrees on is that Theresa May is a total numpty.
In Scotland, as my headline hints: Salmond was reeled in and Sturgeon was gutted, in a bad night for fish.
In Wales: The last ‘Liberal’ was shot in the Welsh hills, joining wolves and bears on the list of extinct wild creatures. The species has been in decline since the nineties when they abandoned their natural diet, became vegans and moved to Brussels.
In Northern Ireland: The Democratic Unionist Party are terribly excited about the prospect of supporting Theresa May to ‘form a majority administration’. This is a pseudonym for ‘hold the smug English b@stards to ransom’.
In cities throughout the country, young people came out in droves to vote for an old bloke who wears cardigans and a Trotsky hat. Despite his sartorial deficit he has revealed that he has a magic money tree in his back garden. He has promised everybody who is poor or in debt that he will use the tree to make everything free. He will water his mighty oak by cutting back on government waste, and has promised to hire an extra 2 million government workers to make sure this is done efficiently.
In Brussels the reality of a hung parliament in Westminster has reinforced the Commission’s conviction that electoral democracy is a poor substitute for backdoor patronage and feelings of entitlement. Behind closed doors there is an outbreak of unbridled glee, although in public, bureaucrats are being very responsible - offering to delay the commencement of Brexit negotiations whilst the Brits get their act together. Jean-Claude Juncker has been strangely silent so far, but this may be due to something he consumed last night.
As previously stated I voted for ‘Stop selling weapons to Saudi Arabia – they arm terrorists’. Apart from the strange looks I got from the officials who noticed my scribbling, that was the end of that. On the bright side my guy did better than Alex Salmond.
Despite all this, I'll take a group of elected duffers over a bunch of unelected wheedlers…eight days a week.
Have a great weekend…next week it’s the FOMC…more on that on Monday.
Best wishes, Mark